To new beginings

In all things there is a desire for a particular form.  In me there is a raging need to feel free at all costs which is not a possibility.  I have assumed the mantle of motherhood and with it the responsibilities to rear healthy, functional human beings who will cherish the precious time we have in this world and to at least try to leave something to be missed when they pass on.
They are both young and too malleable to the chaotic forces that surround and live with in us.  I am at the beginning still of learning the delicate juggling act that parenting, college work, and household chores involve.  In my mind I like to think I am not failing them since I cannot offer them all that I would like even of myself since I am a moody, impatient, and often confused human from an equally imperfect household.  If there is one thing I have learned thoroughly from parents is what I don't want to be.  I do not want to live my dreams through my children, sustain on soda, sugar cereal, and hamburger helper, realize to their hurting core what poor feels like, and crumple in the face of change whether it be for better or worse. 
As my thoughts form and progress my needs blur to theirs and freedom exists in the sudden smiles of personal accomplishment and joy from my children. Society in all its media forms has this viscous undertone toward women who loose themselves in their children and continue to stigmatize them as they try to find their new self image as their children out grow independent.
My children are young and their needs dominate my world but that is as it should be. Society with its face pace and rigid demands isn't going to pause to learn the different cries of my infant or translate the babble of my toddler.
I regret to say that society has worn my down so much abut being a stay at home parent that I went back to college before I was ready. Now I struggle to accommodate my children, husband, housework and schooling which has lead to lowered cleaning standards and too much tv streaming all day. Yet despite this struggle I feel like I have a little ground again to tell society to back off and leave me to my family. I am done with your parenting books, articles, inflammatory news, and any other medium used to perpetuate the exhausting mommy wars.
In due time, I will have my personal time to disappear into hours of intense painting or immerse myself to the exclusion all else into marathon reading and my children will creating their own paths. Their future selves that wake to each day confident in themselves and the lives they have forged inspire my to burn the wick at both ends to make that possible.
To any parents that stay home with their kids, I give you kuddos for carrying on if you too have lost sleep and peace of mind to the nuthouse of society's judgements.
For those on the outside looking, don't assume the frazzled and rushed stay at home parent is just being lazy and careless. Take a moment to comprehend the daunting task of teaching yourself how to parent at the same time putting it to practice while forgiving yourself mistakes. Not many people are raised with the knowledge of how to raise another. We are taught mainly school and work skills with the hope that some functional social skills are gleaned along the way.